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Illegal Love Potion

by The Parselmouths

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1.
Yesterday, I wore my shortest skirt to Slughorn’s class He’s easy to manipulate, and so I made my pass And just as I had thought, he simply signed his name for me Allowing me into the restricted part of the library Madam Pince was doubtful, but she had to let us look We searched for half an hour through the dusty, smelly books And finally we found it in a book called Forced Devotions A complicated spell for an illegal love potion Romilda Vane was silly That stuff is child’s play Chocolate Cauldrons, don’t waste my time We’re gonna do this the Dark wizard way The ingredients will be tricky But a Parselmouth, has her way Harry Potter, be afraid ‘Cause you will be ours someday (someday) Someday Illegal love potion You’ll never know what hit ya Illegal love potion We’re not afraid to break the law Illegal love potion You’ll never know what hit ya Illegal love potion We’re not afraid to break the law Romilda Vane was silly That stuff is child’s play Chocolate Cauldrons, don’t waste my time We’re gonna do this the Dark wizard way The ingredients will be tricky But a Parselmouth has her way Harry Potter, be afraid ‘Cause you will be ours some day (someday) Someday (someday) Someday (someday) Someday (someday) Someday (someday) Someday (someday)
2.
Everyone says Slytherin House is the worst place to be (Why?) Just because the dungeons are so cold (The dungeons are so cold) And because we have to deal with greasy Sevvie Snape (Ew!) And because our souls have all been sold … to You-Know-Who! But there are good parts, too, that you may not have seen (Like what?) We get to wear green Are expected to be mean See the ickle firsties scream When we accidentally bump them in the hallways Get to goof off in Potions just because Snape would rather yell at Harry Potter (Yell at Harry Potter) He’d always rather yell at Harry Potter (Yell at Harry Potter) Then ever give detention to someone from his own house We get to wear green Are expected to be mean See the ickle firsties scream When we accidentally bump them in the hallways Get to goof off in Potions, just because Snape would rather yell at Harry Potter (Yell at Harry Potter) He’d always rather yell at Harry Potter (Yell at Harry Potter) Then ever give detention to someone from his own house [spoken:] [Snape:] Harry Potter, that’s ten points from Gryffindor, and detention on Saturday! [Harry:] But, Professor, that’s not fair! I’ve got Quidditch practice! [Snape:] I don’t care. [sung:] Thank God for Potter I got an ‘A’ in Potions Yay, Harry Potter Guess Potter’s not that bad
3.
Just want to fix my makeup Just want to do my hair But I can’t, and it’s because Myrtle’s always there [Part 1: Her clothes are so outdated Her complexion’s not too great Even though she’s kind of nice She’s just too much to take So I avoid the bathroom That’s on the second floor Because that’s where you’ll find Myrtle The dead girl who’s such a bore] Just want to go in silence Without a ghostly stare But I can’t, and it’s because Myrtle’s always there [Part 2: OK, so I’ll admit it Sometimes she’s not so bad A friend who is transparent Is a useful friend to have I really love to gossip And Myrtle knows it all When we want the latest update We ask her to peek through walls] Just want to fix my makeup Just want to do my hair But I can’t, and it’s because Myrtle’s always there [Parts 1 and 2 sung at the same time by different singers] Everyone else hates Myrtle But we say, ‘Au contraire’ She does things we wouldn’t dare So give this ghost a chance that’s fair Give your thanks and be aware That Myrtle’s always there
4.
[sigh] Professor Lupin La la la la la la la la Professor Lupin La la la I want to tell you about a little secret, Professor Lupin I’m sure that Dumbledore wouldn’t approve Now I can see why they sacked the other Dark Arts teachers You know, it kind of makes sense First we had Quirrell, but he was out of his mind Out of his, out of his mind Lockhart was next; I guess he wrote some dumb books I never, I never read them I want to tell you about a little secret, Professor Lupin I’m sure that Dumbledore wouldn’t approve Now I can see why they sacked the other Dark Arts teachers You know, it kind of makes sense I remember Moody, who wasn’t Moody at all He was just, he was just Crouch Who’d forget Umbridge, that mean old inquisitor I was so glad when she left And that year was Snape; he wanted that job so bad Go back to, go back to Potions I want to tell you about a little secret, Professor Lupin I’m sure that Dumbledore wouldn’t approve Of a crush I have on a former teacher What can I say? I guess werewolves are kind of cute Now I can see why they sacked the other Dark Arts teachers You know, it kind of makes sense
5.
If someone were to ask us what our favourite colour is We’d say green, we’d say green Gryffindors would find that wearing red is best But I promise you that green can put their colour to the test Ravenclaws were certain blue was simply number one But little do they know their colour’s soon to be outdone Hufflepuffs used yellow ink when writing friendly letters But face it, silly Hufflepuffs, you don’t know any better If someone were to ask us what our favourite colour is We’d say green, we’d say green We’d say green, we’d say green Lettuce, grass, unripe tomatoes, apples, clovers, leaves Stuff that’s dirty and old Bertie’s Every-Flavour Beans Cactuses and pond scum that growing in the bog Kites that fly, Key lime pie and Kermit the Frog Avocadoes, pickles, grapes and Muggle dollar bills And don’t forget the Weasleys’ mouldy dress robes, with the frills Turtles, trees and celery and some dragons’ breath The colour of that Killing Curse that’s always meant for death The shade your face is turning when you’re jealous of my clothes Artichokes and the stuff that comes out your nose If someone were to ask us what our favourite colour is We’d say green, we’d say green We’d say green, we’d say green If someone were to ask us what our favourite colour is We’d say green, we’d say green We’d say green, we’d say green
6.
I don’t care about baseball And soccer makes me snore I find golf to be dreary And football is a bore I’d rather go do girl things ‘Cause I think sports are lame But I never ever miss A Quidditch game But what the heck is a Quaffle? And where on earth’s the Snitch? And why does this all have to take place On the freezing pitch? Don’t ask me what the score is ‘Cause I just do not know These things are minor details And it’s just now why I go I don’t care if it’s raining I don’t mind if it’s cold Because boys in Quidditch outfits Are a sight just to behold I know that it’s rude to stare But I just have no shame So I never ever miss A Quidditch game But what the heck is a Quaffle? And where on earth’s the Snitch? And why does this all have to take place On the freezing pitch? Don’t ask me what the score is ‘Cause I just do not know These things are minor details And it’s just not why I go But what the heck is a Quaffle? And where on earth’s the Snitch? And why does this all have to take place On the freezing pitch? Don’t ask me what the score is ‘Cause I just do not know These things are minor details And it’s just not why I go (One more time!) But what the heck is a Quaffle? And where on earth’s the Snitch? And why does this all have to take place On a freezing pitch? Don’t ask me what the score is ‘Cause I just do not know These things are minor details And it’s just not why I go*
7.
In Gryffindor, they drill you on your courage and your might Before they let you in, they want to know if you can fight And Ravenclaw will quiz you to make sure you’ve got the smarts If you aren’t brainy, they will kick you out before you start And Hufflepuff won’t mind if you are just an average Joe They’ll pretty much take anyone with two eyes and a nose Slytherin is not that simple; we want something more If you don’t have this simple skill, we’ll show you to the door Sure, wit and cunning are some traits that will help out a bit But making fun of Weasleys is our real prerequisite Oh, Weasley, it’s so easy It’s pleasing, teasing the Weasleys Oh, Weasley, it’s so easy It’s pleasing, teasing the Weasleys You have red hair And freckles all over your face Don’t you care That your family is a disgrace? Slytherin is not that simple; we want something more If you don’t have this simple skill, we’ll show you to the door Sure, wit and cunning are some traits that will help out a bit But making fun of Weasleys is our real prerequisite Oh, Weasley, it’s so easy It’s pleasing, teasing the Weasleys Oh, Weasley, it’s so easy It’s pleasing, teasing the Weasleys You have red hair And freckles all over your face Don’t you care That your family a big disgrace? Oh, Weasley, it’s so easy It’s pleasing, teasing the Weasleys Oh, Weasley, it’s so easy It’s pleasing, teasing the Weasleys
8.
I went with Draco to the Yule Ball I went with Draco to the Yule Ball I went with Draco, I went with Draco I went with Draco to the Yule Ball La la la la la la la Everyone looked fabulous But I looked even better As we all danced the night away Oh, I love it when things go my way You didn’t go with Draco to the Yule Ball You didn’t go with Draco to the Yule Ball You didn’t go with Draco, you didn’t go with Draco You didn’t go with Draco, because I did La la la la la la la Sure, Hermione, Parvati and Cho And some other guy I didn’t know Were there with Hogwarts champions But I don’t care, I was with my hon Draco, Draco, Draco, Draco Malfoy Is such a, such a, such a pretty boy It was the best night of my life Oh, I hope he asks me to be his wife ‘Cause I went with Draco to the Yule Ball I went with Draco to the Yule Ball I went with Draco, I went with Draco I went with Draco to the Yule Ball
9.
There is this boy we all know I’ll admit he’s a spoiled brat But I swear that’s why we love him And we really want him back I can’t believe we never noticed He was always sneaking ’round the school We’re all upset, because it’s too late Now, he’s just the Dark Lord’s tool Draco, where are you? Draco, we care about you Draco, where are you? Draco, we care about you We don’t know what to expect now Draco’s gone; he’s made a deal Evilness was just a game Never thought it’d be for real Draco, where are you? Draco, we care about you Draco, where are you? Draco, we care about you Draco, where are you? Draco, we care about you Draco, where are you? Draco, we care about you Don’t know if we can do it It’s been a while since things seemed right But Draco’s not alone; he has us We know we’re gonna have to fight Draco, where are you? Draco, we care about you Draco, where are you? Draco, we care about you Draco, where are you? Draco, we care about you Draco, where are you? Draco, we care about you
10.
(OK, so, well, I was wondering, um …) Who are these boys? Who will not leave us alone Who are these boys? Who are these boys? Wearing nasty cologne And are all up in my zone Who are these boys? Who are these boys? Crabbe and Goyle, stop asking us out Who are these boys? Who are these boys? (Will you be my girlfriend?) Who follow us all around Who are these boys? (I have a lot to offer …) Who are these boys? Sniff us out like hounds And need to lose a few pounds Who are these boys? (Look at my muscles!) Who are these boys? Crabbe and Goyle, stop asking us out! [Brittany, spoken:] Oh man, Kristina … [sung:] How are we going to get them to leave us alone? [Kristina:] I don’t have a single clue [Brittany:] I have one horrible, terrible, disgusting, nasty, horrific idea [Kristina:] I guess that’s the only thing we can do [Both:] We went on a date with Crabbe and Goyle (All right!) I can’t believe we agreed to it (Yeah, me neither) We hope that this will make them leave us alone (How about next Friday?) Even when we think about it, we get sick [spoken:] [Kristina:] Well, you gotta tell about yours first. [Brittany:] Oh man, OK … [sung:] Well, Crabbe is such a stupid man He told me he had a plan / [Crabbe:] I have a plan! So, I followed him, hoping it would be fun [spoken:] [Kristina:] It wasn’t fun, was it? [Brittany:] It wasn’t fun at all! / [Crabbe:] It was so much fun! [sung:] We broke into the kitchen door And, man, that night was such a bore I watched him eat and eat and eat; oh, boy, it was dumb (It was tasty!) He passed right out at half-past two I magicked him back to his room I swear I’ll never do it again! (Come on!) [spoken:] Your turn … [Kristina, sung:] Well, Goyle, he was really bad He said our date would be so rad (So rad!) But we never even left the common room (I like that room!) [spoken:] [Brittany:] You didn’t leave the common room? [Kristina:] No, we didn’t. [Brittany:] Well, what did you do? [Kristina, sung:] Well, he beat some poor kid up for me (He had it coming!) And then he flexed ’til half past three Before it even started the whole date was pretty doomed / [Crabbe:] awesome! He even tried to hold my hand But then I told him he was banned I swear I’ll never do it again! (I totally got to first base!) [Both:] Who are these boys? (Me?) Who will not leave us alone Who are these boys? Who are these boys? (You girls are so hot!) Wearing nasty cologne They are all up in my zone Who are these boys? Who are these boys? Crabbe and Goyle, stop asking us out! Who are these boys? Who are these boys? (I speak snake too!) Who follow us all around (Sssss) Who are these boys? (Sssss) Who are these boys? (See?) Sniff us out like hounds And need to lose a few pounds Who are these boys? (I said I’m not that fat!) Who are these boys? Crabbe and Goyle, stop asking us out! (Please?)
11.
Who is Blaise Zabini? What does he want? Where did he come from? Will he be an uncle or an aunt? Now, poor Blaise was Confunded about his gender role He went to all his classes; what a poor soul We all gave him second glances, but all we saw was fuzz I’m sure I would have talked to him if I knew just what he was Who is Blaise Zabini? What does he want? Where did he come from? Will he be an uncle or an aunt? Don’t know where he sleeps at night; he just kind of disappears I can’t believe this happened until our sixth year We all thought he seemed nice, although we were confused The biggest issue was the bath; he didn’t know which room to use Who is Blaise Zabini? What does he want? Where did he come from? Will he be an uncle or an aunt? And so he didn’t say much until our sixth year at school And when he started talking, we knew that he was cool He’s secure in being a boy now, and I know I shouldn’t dwell But now and then I stop and think, he would have made a nice girl as well Who is Blaise Zabini? What does he want? Where did he come from? Will he be and uncle or an aunt? Who is Blaise Zabini? What does he want? Where did he come from? Will he be an uncle or an aunt?
12.
Dumbledore, he’s gone now And school will not be the same Our world’s turned upside down now ‘Cause our Headmaster has been slain Oh Dumbledore, this is crazy I’m sure the Dark Lord is thrilled I’m feeling a little mixed up Over how your blood has been spilled Oh, Snape, dear Professor Snape Who do you really work for? Oh which side lies your fate? Oh, Snape, dear Professor Snape How did you go through with it? Hope it wasn’t a mistake ‘Cause Dumbledore, he’s gone now And life is not gonna be the same The whole wizard world’s upside down now ‘Cause a great wizard has been slain Oh Dumbledore, this is madness And I’m sure the Dark Lord is thrilled We Dark wizards are so mixed up Over how your blood has been spilled Dumbledore Dumbledore Dumbledore

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Originally released as part of the 2007 Wizard Rock EP of the Month Club.

Rereleased on September 17, 2021.

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released June 1, 2007

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